Three Is The Magic Number

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August 3, 2003

Categories: Harry Potter, Humour, Slash

Rating: R.

Fandom/Spoilers: Harry Potter. Books and movies.

Summary: Humour. It's Draco's birthday and Harry has a special evening planned. But then Ron comes in! Draco/Harry/Ron match-up.

Disclaimer: Rowling, not me.

Notes: I read a bunch of HP badfic. Then I wrote some HP badfic.

It was the last year at Hogwarts for Harry Potter. At the beginning of the year, he and Draco Malfoy had gotten over their usual rivalry and now they were dating. Actually, they were in love. It had taken their friends a while to get over the shock, but now they were used to seeing Harry and Draco exchange a tender kiss or whisper sweet nothings to each other in the hallways.

Now it was two weeks to graduation. And it was Draco's eighteenth birthday. As a special surprise, Harry had persuaded everyone to stay out of the Gryffindor common room for the night.

Harry put out a lot of candles and a bunch of roses and two bottles of wine. Then he put a blindfold on Draco and led him in.

"What is it, kitten?" Draco said. "I was going to blindfold you, remember?"

Then Harry took the blindfold off and Draco saw the surprise. He was so happy, he grabbed Harry and gave him a passionate kiss. Then they sat down and Harry opened a bottle of wine.

"Happy birthday, lover," Harry said, picking up a rose and brushing the soft petals against Draco's pale cheek. He looked at Draco and thought about how much they were in love. Draco's white-blond hair was gleaming in the candlelight and his grey eyes were deep pools of silver.

Draco looked back at Harry. He loved to look at Harry's eyes, they were like two emeralds shining beneath his glasses. How could he have ever hated Harry, he thought. Good thing they were in love now.

Draco leaned in and they exchanged a long kiss. Harry licked Draco's lips, then pushed his tongue inside Draco's mouth. Their tongues swirled together as the kiss went on. Draco moaned and Harry pushed him back against the couch and tried to get his hands under Draco's black silk shirt.

Then the door opened.

They looked up in surprise. It was Ron.

"Oh, shit," Ron said. "I forgot. I'm sorry." Ron had been out playing Wizard rugby, a new game at Hogwarts that year. He was captain of the Gryffindor team. His uniform of tight white pants and red jersey was all smeared with dirt and covered in grass stains. There was even some grass in his hair.

Harry looked at Ron and suddenly thought how hot Ron looked, all mussed up and sweating after his heavy practice. Of course he wasn't in love with Ron, he was in love with Draco. But Ron was really hot -- why hadn't he noticed before?

Draco was noticing the exact same thing. He whispered in Harry's ear, "Birthday present, k?" Then he said to Ron, "It's OK. Why don't you sit down and have a glass of wine?"

Harry looked at Draco. He wasn't quite sure what Draco wanted, but he could never say no to Draco. Whatever Draco wanted, Draco got. Harry knew he was lucky to be going out with Draco -- everyone in school wanted to be with the Slytherin Sex God.

Ron didn't know what to think. He had been the last of Harry's friends to come round about his relationship with Draco, but now he and Draco were friends. But that didn't explain why Draco would want him to join their special romantic evening.

"Oh, I'm sure you just want to be alone," Ron said, and wiped the sweat off his forehead. His hair was windswept and this just made it more ruffled up.

"No, we'd be really happy if you joined us, wouldn't we, Harry?" Draco said and nudged Harry in the ribs.

"Er...yeah," Harry said. "Come sit down."

"I love you," Draco said in a whisper to Harry, sticking his tongue in Harry's ear. Then he moved over so there was a space between the two of them. "Come sit here," he said to Ron.

Ron was still confused, but it was Draco's birthday so he supposed he should do what Draco wanted. So he went and sat on the sofa between Harry and Draco. There wasn't a lot of space and so his legs were touching both Harry's and Draco's.

Harry poured a glass of wine and handed it to Ron. Then he poured one for Draco. He had to conjure a new glass for himself but soon they all had a glass of the sweet red wine.

Draco put his arm on the back of the sofa, so it was around Ron's shoulders and his fingers were on the back of Harry's neck. "To the rugby captain," he said and raised his glass.

"To Ron," Harry agreed. They all clinked their glasses together and drank the wine. Harry filled Ron's glass again right away.

Ron was still a little winded from practice and he drank the next glass of wine really quickly too. His face was getting hot and flushed.

"Have another glass," said Draco. Harry poured more wine for Ron. "You know, Ron," Draco said, "Harry and I really admire you. You're so good at rugby. And Quidditch captain too."

"Thanks," Ron said. He drank more wine. It was really getting hot in here. He pulled at the neck of his jersey. He wondered when he could politely leave and go have a shower.

"Yeah," Harry said. "We do." He looked across Ron to Draco and met Draco's eyes. He could read the message in them. He put one hand on Ron's knee. "We admire you a lot."

Ron put down his wine glass. Harry opened the next bottle and filled it up again. While Ron was drinking it, Draco turned and bumped Ron's arm so that Ron spilled the wine all over his shirt.

"Oops," Draco said. "I'm sorry." He brushed at the stain with his fingers. "I'm sure that will come out later. But maybe you should take it off so we can put a soaking charm on it."

Ron was a little fuzzy from all the wine, plus he had skipped dinner that night. The next thing he knew, Draco was pulling Ron's shirt off over his head.

"There," said Draco. "That's better, isn't it?" Draco thought Ron's chest was really beautiful. There was a little hair up near the top, but mostly it was smooth. His abs were really tight.

Harry's mouth dropped open when he saw Ron's bare chest. Why had he never looked before when Ron was undressing next to him every day for the last seven years? Ron was freaking gorgeous!

Harry's hand on Ron's thigh started to move up and down as Harry got more and more turned on. Draco put his hand on Ron's chest and stroked it gently.

Now Ron was *really* confused. And sort of drunk. "What do you want?" he said. He couldn't keep track of whose hand was where. Or why.

Draco looked into Ron's eyes. They were blue like the sky on a summer day. "We want you to join us, Ron, just for tonight. As a birthday present for me." Then he leaned in and kissed Ron.

Ron was really surprised. He'd never kissed a boy before and Draco was Harry's boyfriend! But Harry was still stroking Ron's thigh so Ron figured Harry wasn't mad. And Draco was a really good kisser, way better than Lavender, who Ron had gone out with last year. Draco pushed Ron's mouth open and licked his teeth and the inside of his mouth.

Suddenly Ron was enflamed by passion. He put his arms around Draco and kissed him back. Harry's hands started to wander over Ron's body.

Then Draco broke the kiss and grinned. Ron didn't have much time to look, though, because now Harry was kissing him instead.

Harry had put his glasses on the table so he could make out with Ron better. He could smell the sweat from Ron's hard rugby practice and it made him really hot. He ran his hands all over Ron's body and Ron moaned into Harry's mouth.

Unnoticed by Ron, Draco was undoing Ron's pants and then Ron felt them being pulled off. His closed eyes flew open, but when he saw Draco looking at him with a lustful gaze, he relaxed about it. Draco had taken off his shirt and pants too. When Harry stopped kissing Ron, he undressed too.

Soon they were all naked. Harry and Draco were both touching Ron and kissing him. Sometimes they touched each other with Ron in between. Ron could hardly believe this was happening. He was really turned on.

Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it.

When they were done, Draco kissed Ron, then Harry kissed Ron, then Harry and Draco kissed. "Happy Birthday, petal," Harry said.

"I liked my present," Draco said and licked Ron's shoulder. Ron blushed.

"Then I don't have to give you the other one I got you," Harry said.

"Sure you do," Draco cooed. He rubbed noses with Harry. "I want all my prezzies."

Ron could sense that maybe Harry and Draco wanted to be alone now. Plus he was really sleepy after the sex. He slithered out from between them and started picking up his clothes. Harry and Draco were still whispering and cuddling.

Ron started up the stairs.

"Wait, Ron," Harry called.

Ron stopped and turned around.

"Don't forget, my birthday is in July!"

FINIS

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when is draco's birthday. maybe i could drop in for his next one. i still have those handcuffs...

Shelby @ August 05, 2003

slytherin sex god? rofl.

that was the funniest badfic i've ever read. thanks hun! ;)

trinity @ September 08, 2003

Cool. Funny at the end

Mantha @ September 16, 2003

i liked it although the ron bit made me a bit *eew* but i thought it was really good.
Well done.

katherine @ November 04, 2003

i want to meet the slytherin sex god. i'll drop by if you can tell me his bday and where the next one will be please!!!

emz @ November 14, 2003

Hmmm, good idea...but not so good writing style, its really lacking. Fill it full of smutty little details, lots more action and make it worth the R rating!

@ January 05, 2004

Your sentances are very short and nondescriptive. "Soon they were all naked", "He was really turned on.", "Ron really liked it."

Especially, "He was so happy, he grabbed Harry and gave him a passionate kiss." Throwing in 'passionate' does very little to make the reader *feel* that passion.

Fill in the details, *describe* everything intensely.

i quite like the idea, especially the end, but i think you could make it much more intense.

Owlie @ January 20, 2004

I really liked this story, I have a thing for Harry/Draco/Ron. But the only problem I have is that it is only rated R. This would be so much better rewritten and made NC-17!!

Kitty @ March 01, 2004

For all you people who hated this fic:

It's a JOKE. It says so before it's even started. It's meant to be a badfic! Look at all the cliches: H & D calling each other "kitten" and "lover", everyone's instant acceptance of their true love, wizarding sports that are introduced with little/no explanation...yeesh.

Funny fic, btw. I especially liked the line, "Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it." Keep writing!

zel @ March 02, 2004

For all you people who hated this fic:

It's a JOKE. It says so before it's even started. It's meant to be a badfic! Look at all the cliches: H & D calling each other "kitten" and "lover", everyone's instant acceptance of their true love, wizarding sports that are introduced with little/no explanation...yeesh.

Funny fic, btw. I especially liked the line, "Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it." Keep writing!

zel @ March 02, 2004

Very good...

Kim @ March 05, 2004

That was so bad it was spectacular. 'Nuff said.

Mana @ March 09, 2004

I think youu should have made in NC-17 and had them fucking eachother in the ass and blowing eachother. What? I am a hardcore fan and I "admire" Harry Potter in all its forms.

Confidential @ March 22, 2004

I think youu should have made in NC-17 and had them fucking eachother in the ass and blowing eachother. What? I am a hardcore fan and I "admire" Harry Potter in all its forms.

Confidential @ March 22, 2004

i agree with mana...even if it IS meant to be bad...and it isnt the best uve done obviously...i LOVE the idea.....hehe kitten harry
way k%l, dont stop!

@ April 09, 2004

Okay. I admit that I didn't read the note saying it was supposed to be a badfic but this line totally gave it away "Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it."

lol! I laughed merrily at that because I've so read those fics, as I know we all have =)

Great job! I'll be sure to read all notes from now on =D

Bridge

Bridge @ April 28, 2004

i loved it, it was really hot! i wish Rn Harry and Draco had a real threesome in one of the movies!!!

katie @ May 09, 2004

Ah, now I know you are truely an excellent writer-not only can you write warm fuzzies and stomach churning ick, you can write badfic so bad it's like nails on a blackboard. I admit I skimmed it after the first paragraph...I just...couldn't....*wince...*
; )

Inarae @ June 27, 2004

OOO! wens dracos b-day? i'll drop him a little,uh,*visit*

neveraluna @ June 29, 2004

There I was, waiting for the coup d'etat, the piece de resistance, teh_hot_tripple_fuck, and what do it get?
"Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it."

*rofl*

-inbetween- @ October 23, 2004

Way too fluffy. I mean, "petal"??????!!! "Kitten"!!!???

MickeyMouse @ November 10, 2004

oooh can i see what happens on harry's birthday?? pretty pleaze

hp_lover @ December 26, 2004

*rofl~*
Ha! I've been browsing your stuff (*cough*Randup*cough*) for a few hours now (instead of eating dinner), and I just HAD to read the badfic! Gotta love that, despite the fabulous characterization and scintillating narrative, your basic grasp of English grammar and spelling automatically put this thing very near the top of the fanfic heap.
*still rofl*

seiji-chan @ February 15, 2005

You're good, but this is definitley not your best. The sentences are really short and... not very discriptive. Much along the lines of, "Ron really liked it." One of your earlier works, I assume?

You're still very talented, don't get me wrong. Just didn't particularly liked the style of writing used for this one. Liked the idea though. Cheers.

Aze @ February 17, 2005

OMG... my brain... my brain... the badfic took my brain away...

"Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it."

You are a bad person, cheating me out of my p0rn like that. *Wags finger* Naughty, naughty.

UndeadQween @ March 10, 2005

ok, this was so genius i'm going to go through it item by item and tell you just what i think was so genius about it (like you don't already know, you're the genius here):

1) the pet names. lover? kitten???? *cracking up*
2) the descriptions of eyes...such delightful cliches!
3) how you just put it out there that harry and draco are in love, cut and dry:
"He looked at Draco and thought about how much they were in love."
"How could he have ever hated Harry, he thought. Good thing they were in love now."
*laughing to the point of pain*
4) the sudden epiphanies of lust!
"Suddenly Ron was enflamed by passion."
"...when he saw Draco looking at him with a lustful gaze, he relaxed about it."
5) this line: "Then Draco pulled Ron down so he was lying down and all three of them had sex together for about half an hour. Ron really liked it."
6) the monotone. honestly, i could hear it in my head. i could hear my own voice reading this fic out loud in a monotone, and in my own american accent. really good HP fics automatically sound british in my head. not so for this. it was so extraordinarily, hilariously bad, i couldn't have made it sound british if i'd tried out loud.

my roommate thinks i'm nuts because i've been nearly in tears for the last ten minutes. thank you, thank you, thank you...*bows and scrapes* i'm tempted to offer you marriage, but i know you get that all the time, you're probably handing out numbers by now.

elsie @ April 27, 2005

sorry to double post, but...

to all the people who actually thought this was good and liked it...wtf? *snickers*

and to "confidential" ("I think youu should have made in NC-17 and had them fucking eachother in the ass and blowing eachother. What? I am a hardcore fan and I "admire" Harry Potter in all its forms.") -- i hope you aren't making fun of all HP slash, because there is true art out there. and sorry, but sometimes smut is fun, as long as it isn't crap writing.

elsie @ April 27, 2005

lolololol omg

that was fricking HILARIOUS

@ August 15, 2005

OMG! *ROFTL* This was fucking hilarious. There were so many cliches. I could barely read the thing because i was laughing so hard. good work! certainly cheered up my day. the monotone of the work and the cliches -- classic.

loved it (and you... marry me?)
Lia

Lianna @ August 28, 2005

Naughty, naughty, naughty. But also funny and evil!!!!!
EVIL!!!but cute

Desirae @ September 06, 2005

Haha! Really funny, Loved every cliche ^_^

arca @ April 17, 2006

I thought this was pretty hot. ^.^ you should write one where it's Harry's birthday.

Sakura @ May 05, 2006

I thought this was pretty hot. ^.^ you should write one where it's Harry's birthday.

Sakura @ May 05, 2006

What did ron get for his b-day???

@ July 07, 2006

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