The course corrections were almost done and Wash looked forward to a mug of beer and maybe a little conjugal bliss, if he were lucky. Just five more minutes...
Someone hit him in the back of the head. "Ow!" Not hard enough to do more than surprise him. "Zoe?" He looked around. No one there. Maybe he needed a cup of coffee instead.
Wash turned back to his controls just in time to duck as something zinged across the room and ricocheted off the wall. He hit the deck and fumbled above his head for the intercom mike. He could hear soft thuds and sometimes see a dark shape go by.
"Could somebody get up here? I've got a situation. There's something--" A splatter of white hit his leg, staining his pants. "[Oh, shit.] --in the cockpit."
He ventured a look as footsteps pounded along the corridor. A small brown bird fluttered through the air, frantically slamming against the screens and creating an unholy mess on his instrument panels.
The bird sailed past, clipping Wash's head before he could react. He grabbed at it but came up with a handful of air.
"A situation, you say?" Jayne stood in the doorway, holding a truly frightening automatic rifle. "Did the little bird threaten you?"
"Very funny. If we don't stop it, its crap is going to short out the flight controls. Or I'm going to go insane, which is about the same thing."
"Not a problem." Jayne sighted along the rifle.
"[What the hell are you doing?] You can't shoot that in here! You'll breach the hull! Or something."
Jayne sighed and lowered his weapon. "Then what do you want me to do?"
Wash ducked again as the bird decided to try the other screen for a bit. "Help me catch it."
"Okay, but I get to eat it." Jayne flipped on the safety and leaned his gun against the wall.
"Eat it? You'd get two mouthfuls." Wash moved slowly and quietly around the cabin until he was beside the screen.
Jayne moved to the other side, less quietly. "Two mouthfuls of meat is more than I got today." The bird gave a little shriek and flew across the cockpit. They both lunged for it and banged into each other, heads cracking and arms tangling.
Rubbing his aching forehead, Wash sat up. "Could we be a little more stealthy?"
"Nope." Jayne jumped to his feet and dove after the bird again. His fingers grazed the feathers but the bird slipped free and Jayne bellyflopped onto the deck with a thud that shook the whole compartment and maybe the whole ship. "Dammit!"
"Come on, we've got to be smart about this." Wash rubbed his nose and thought for a moment. "Take off your shirt." He pulled his own over his head.
Jayne raised his eyebrows. "You do know that deal I proposed applies to your wife and not you, right?"
"No, you idiot. Use your shirt to throw over the bird and trap it."
Jayne grinned. "You're the brains." He stripped off his shirt and Wash felt a depressing moment of extreme inadequacy.
The bird still fluttered around the cabin. Wash tossed his shirt at it as it went by, but all he hit was a patch of guano on the floor. Jayne held on to his shirt as he tried to catch the bird. He ended up slipping to his knees, snagged on the back of the pilot's chair.
Wash tried again, but this time his shirt ended up over Jayne's head and when Jayne's face emerged, Wash felt that the man was none too happy about it.
Jayne balled up Wash's shirt and stalked towards him, the bird apparently forgotten, at least until he slipped on something it had left behind and fell flat on his ass.
Wash reached for his shirt to try again, but Jayne kicked his feet out from under him and over he went. He crawled away but didn't get far before Jayne grabbed his ankle.
"Come back here, you coward." Jayne pulled and Wash couldn't reach anything to hold on to.
"Let me go, you bastard!" He slid over the deck, towards Jayne, and readied his other foot to kick when he judged he was close enough.
"Am I interrupting something?" Kaylee stood in the doorway, smiling brightly. "Do you need me to get Zoe, Wash?"
Wash banged his head on the deck a couple of times. The fingers around his ankle loosened.
"Look," said Kaylee. "A bird." She whistled to it and it flew over and perched on her fingers. "Who's a pretty boy now?"
Kaylee took the bird and left. Jayne grabbed Wash's ankle. Wash kicked Jayne in the face.
FINIS
That was really funny - and the characterisation was great, too! I loved the ending. ^_^