Executive Producer & Death Incarnate: Hal
Crew:
Captain Susan Ivanova
First Officer/Science Officer Dana Scully
Chief of Security/Cruise Director Walter S Skinner
Yeoman Lennier
Captain's Ready Room. Ivanova and Scully are going over some data and taking a bubble bath. Lennier stands ready to assist, dressed in Starfleet Gold.
IV: [holding a PADD] Number One, these are all in order. I'm glad I finally learned to delegate.
SC: [painting Ivanova's toenails with red polish] Don't wiggle or I'll smear the polish.
IV: But it tickles!
SC: Does it tickle when I do this? [does something suggestive under cover of the bubbles]
IV: [laughing] No, I wouldn't say that it does. And don't stop. That's an order. [holds out the PADD and Lennier takes it]
SC: Aye, Captain.
A series of beeps precedes Skinner's voice from the com system.
SK: Skinner to Ivanova.
IV: [sighing] Ivanova here. Go.
Scully sits up, looking disappointed.
SK: Captain, there's an intruder on board.
IV: Nuts. Mr Skinner, get your teams out, then report to my ready room.
SC: We never even got to give each other facials. Towels, Yeoman.
Lennier holds out the towels, first for Ivanova (she is the captain) then Scully. They are long bath sheets in Starfleet Command Red and fasten in front with comm badges and rank insignias. Ivanova is pulling back her hair when Skinner enters. He wears tight leather pants and a clingy white tank top and carries his gold jacket slung over one well-muscled shoulder. He's holding some small, colourful items in his other hand and tosses one to Lennier.
IV: Status report, Mr Skinner.
Lennier examines the object, which appears to be blue and bunny-shaped. He bites the head off tentatively, then quickly eats the rest.
SK: Captain, our sensors picked up an intruder on board, but we haven't been able to find him yet. He's human. Captain, I'm sorry. I don't know how he got on board. I must have been negligent. I'm bad. Very bad.
Skinner tears the head off a pink chick and gobbles it down.
IV: I'll deal with you later, Mr Skinner. Right now, I need you to find the...what the hell is that?
SK: [holds out the decapitated chick] This? I found it in the hall. There are a whole lot of them.
SC: [taking a couple, she prods and sniffs them] Captain, it appears to be a Peep. [eats one, talking with her mouth full] Definitely a Peep.
IV: What the hell are Peeps doing on the Aphrodite? Everyone knows they're evil. Evil!
Skinner quickly eats another one and hands the rest to Lennier, who sidles into the background and crams two into his mouth.
SC: [running a tricorder over her remaining Peep] Captain, there's something odd about these Peeps...
IV: I told you. Space them all. Get them the hell off my starship. Mr Lennier, take care of them.
Lennier heads to the door, but before he can leave, it slides open to reveal a dark haired man, looking as evil as it's possible to be without actually having a goatee. He laughs, evilly.
SC: What do you want?
IV: [glares at Scully] Never ask that question!
SK: Who are you?
IV: Or that one either. Nobody ask any questions. Anyway, I know this guy. It's Baltar.
BT: We meet again, Captain. But this time the advantage is mine.
SC: [to Ivanova] You know him?
IV: It was at a con. It's a long story. [to Baltar] Get the hell off my ship!
BT: Not until I have what I came for...
[silence]
BT: Aren't you even curious?
SK: We're not allowed to ask any questions.
Remembering that he's chief of security, Skinner goes for his phaser. Baltar whips out a ray gun and shoots him pointblank. Skinner disappears, leaving only his jacket and a small yellow Peep.
SC: But...he wasn't holding any Peeps...
BT: Exactly, my dear. This ray gun reduces life forms to their essential elements. Lovely, isn't it?
SC: Then all the Peeps are...crew members? [looks a little queasy] You fiend!
Lennier stares at the half-gnawed Peep in his hand and looks stricken. Then he eats it.
IV: OK, Baltar. What do you want? [everyone stares at her] I can say it. I'm the captain.
BT: Why, you of course, my dear. And your autographed picture of Charlton Heston.
IV: Then, for the safety of my crew, I propose a contest. Unarmed combat. One on one. If you win, I'll go with you. If I win, you leave my ship.
BT: [tucking his ray gun back into his belt] A pleasure, my dear.
IV: I'm going to kick your sorry ass right back to the seventies, sweetheart.
Ivanova and Baltar fight, at first using a controlled style, but it quickly turns into a flailing mess. Ivanova's towel flashes open to show some leg now and again, but never comes off. Finally, Ivanova fells Baltar with a rain of blows. As he lies there, he pushes a button on his wrist and ten Cylons beam into the room. The lights on the front of their helmets whoom back and forth a lot. [We blew the effects budget on this, so make the most of it. -H]
SC: The hell!
Ivanova grabs the ray gun from Baltar's belt and shoots the Cylons. They crumble into dust, or something dust-like. She turns it on Baltar himself, but he presses another button and beams away.
Ivanova's skin is sheened with sweat and her hair is coming loose. She's breathing heavily, her towel rising and falling over her heaving breasts, rising and falling, rising and...er, falling.
IV: [tossing the ray gun to Scully] See if you can reverse the effects of that, Number One. I'd hate to lose Mr Skinner before we punish him for this.
SC: [turns the gun over in her hands and flips a switch] I think this will do it... [shoots the Peep that was Skinner] I hope...
The Peep turns into Skinner [Do this off camera since we don't have money for a morph. -H] For some reason, his tank top is missing, though his pants are still on.
IV: Another day, another crisis. Mr Lennier, clean this mess up, would you? And turn the Peeps back into crew members. [the others exchange guilty glances] So, Number One, what are little Cylons made of?
Scully kneels down to examine the piles of dust, showing some cleavage.
SC: I believe it to be Sea Monkeys, Captain.
IV: Just when I thought I'd seen it all. OK, hop to it, Mr Lennier. And you, Mr Skinner, have been a very bad Chief of Security. What do you think we should do with you?
SK: [bowing his head just a little] Whatever you think is best, Captain.
IV: Number One, what's your recommendation?
SC: It's been a week since we paddled him.
IV: Good idea. Get the paddles, Mr Skinner, then up against the wall.
The ladies, still towel-clad, take turns smacking Skinner's tight, firm, leather-encased buttocks while he pretends not to enjoy it. The door opens and Lennier comes in, carrying a glass bowl which he sets down on Ivanova's desk.
IV: What's that, Yeoman?
LN: Sea Monkeys, Captain. I thought they would entertain you. They seem such delightful creatures, at least from the pictures I have seen in the comic books I subscribe to.
Ivanova and Scully look at each other.
SC: Mr Lennier, I'm afraid all they are are brine shrimp. They don't have families or live in houses or do anything except swim and eat.
Lennier is crestfallen, really crushed.
IV: Tell you what, Mister, you take over the spanking. That will cheer you up.
LN: [lighting up] Thank you, Captain.
Lennier takes a paddle and applies it vigorously while Skinner breathes heavily, his bare chest sheened with sweat and heaving... [You get the idea. -H]
Ivanova sticks her toe into the bath water.
IV: It's still hot, Number One.
SC: I'll get the mud masks.
[roll credits]
FINIS